• The 411 for online activities
• Relationships and the Internet
• Child Development
• Tools

Teaching teens how to end a dating relationship

Relationships are of central importance during adolescence. As adolescents start their journey of ‘crushes’ and ‘going out’ with peers, they need to learn how to negotiate and how to end relationships. This time in their life is often characterized with a series of short lived relationships and heartache. Help prepare adolescents so they know when and how to end relationships and how to accept when someone ends a relationship with them. Breaking up is an important skill for adolescents to learn. Conversations with adults about relationships can provide insight and be very beneficial for adolescents.

Tips for how to end a relationship:

1. The earlier the better:
   • It is easier to end a relationship early on rather than dragging it out.

2. Honesty is the best policy:

   • Teach them not to make up excuses. It only makes it worse for everyone. Often the person they are trying to break up with will have a solution for each one of their excuses if he or she doesn’t want to break up and this may trap them into staying in the relationship.

   For Example:

   • An adolescent says: “I can’t see you anymore because I just don’t have time for a relationship right now.”
   • Partner says “I will see you only when you can. You don’t have to be with me all the time.”
     Explain to adolescents that wanting to break up with a person because it is the right thing for them is a good enough of a reason!

3. Encourage them to be thoughtful, considerate, and to the point.

4. Help them understand how control techniques can be used to try to get them to stay in the relationship. Such as:

   • Guilt
   • Pity
   • Threats

   Caution them not to stay in the relationship because of these tactics. If the person persists, explain they should go to a safe adult for help to end it.

5. Empathize how ending a relationship is always a hard thing to do. Discuss the temptation to avoid the awkwardness and difficulty of breaking up by staying in the relationship, but discuss the negative side of staying in a relationship they do not want to be in.

Get teens ready:

An adolescent may have spent a lot of time with this person, so this person is probably a very important part of their life (perhaps one of their best friends). It is typical for adolescents in this situation to be scared that they will feel lonely. To help them get through this, go over the following:

• Suggest they make a plan to keep themselves busy.
• Tell them to expect up days and down days.
• Remind them that break ups take courage.
• Tell them to be prepared to feel uncomfortable, but know that it will pass. It is important for them to remain clear, honest and compassionate.
• Encourage them to remind themselves of all the reasons why they are ending the relationship.
• Caution them not to go back into the relationship just because it feels easier!

Tips to help make breaking up easier:

• Don’t live in the past. Remind them of all the exciting things they want to do.
• Suggest they confide in someone they trust – choosing someone to talk to is the best way for them to deal with the emotional stress of a bad relationship and break up.
• Tell them to call friends and go out.
• Remind them to take care of themselves.
• Suggest they put away pictures and things that remind them of the relationship.

Remind them of the following:

• Just because they are breaking up with someone doesn’t mean they don’t care about the person anymore. They do not need to be mean or become enemies.
• It can be as hard on the person doing the breaking up as it is on the person they are breaking up with.

Reasons why breaking up is hard to do:

• Their friends may pressure them to stay in the relationship or get mad at them for ending it.
• Their friends and family may really like the person.
• They may really like his/her friends and family.
• The breakup could split up their group of friends.
• They do not want one of their friends to date him/her.
• They do not want to hurt his/her feelings.
• They think it will eventually get better or think they can change the other person.
• They do not want things to change, because s/he is a major part of their life.

Breaking up is an important skill for adolescents to learn. Help them:

• Avoid blame.
• Look forward.
• Reassure them that second guessing themselves or missing the person is normal, but it’s not a reason to get back together.