Is Your Adolescent in a Controlling Relationship?

Adolescents are more vulnerable to being controlled in relationships, whether it is by friends, romantic partners, or others. A manipulative relationship is one-sided and unbalanced, meeting the needs of the person manipulating at the expense of her/his partner. This type of relationship is very unhealthy. Do you think your adolescent is in a controlling relationship? Read the signs below that you should pay attention to.

Signs of an unhealthy relationship can include:

  • Everyone who cares about your adolescent (i.e. family, friends, teachers, coaches, etc.) has expressed concern about her/him, or feels as though your adolescent is pushing them away.
  • You notice changes in your adolescent's typical behaviour patterns. S/he seems very stressed.
  • Your adolescent is reluctant to participate in activities that don't involve her/his partner or that her/his partner doesn't want to attend.
  • Goals and activities that used to be very important to your adolescent have suddenly been pushed to the back burner.
  • Your adolescent's plans are always based on what her/his partner wants.
  • Your adolescent is spending less and less time with her/his friends and family to be with her/his partner.
  • Your adolescent's partner needs to know where s/he is at every minute and overreacts to things such as your adolescent being late or turning off her/his cell phone.
  • Your adolescent's partner uses backhanded compliments ("You're lucky I love you so much, because who else would put up with you?") or directly puts her/him down.
While your adolescent may not be in a manipulative relationship, if you are noticing any of the above, it is a call to action to pay attention.

What can you do if you think your adolescent is in an unhealthy relationship?

  • Let her/him know that you care and notice that s/he doesn't seem to be like her/himself lately.
  • Let her/him know that you are available to listen when s/he is ready.
  • Avoid making it directly related to her/his partner, but let her/him know that people can have wonderful qualities and can also be controlling. Rarely will a person only have 'bad' qualities. This can make it very difficult to leave and can be very confusing. On one hand they don't like it when the person is controlling and on the other hand they have a lot of fun together.
  • Remind your adolescent that s/he cannot change another person.
  • Be there for your adolescent to help her/him through it and to provide perspective. Be careful not to push too hard as it can backfire and end up pushing your adolescent to want to hang on stronger to the relationship.
  • Not every controlling or manipulative person is dangerous, but some are. If you have reason to believe your adolescent may be in danger with this person, enlist the help of police (getting a restraining order) and mental health specialists. Try to save all messages and information that communicate risk as possible evidence for police.

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