Is a student you know in a controlling relationship?

Adolescence are more vulnerable to being controlled in relationships, whether it is by friends, romantic partners, or others. A manipulative relationship is one-sided and unbalanced, meeting the needs of the person manipulating at the expense of her/his partner. This type of relationship is very unhealthy. Do you think adolescent student you know is in a controlling relationship? Read the signs below to pay attention to.

Signs of an unhealthy relationship can include:

  • Everyone who cares about the adolescent (i.e. family, friends, teachers, coaches, etc.) has expressed concern about her/him, or feels as though the adolescent is pushing them away.
  • You notice changes in the adolescent’s typical behavior patterns. S/he seems very stressed.
  • The adolescent is reluctant to participate in activities that don’t involve her/his partner or that her/his partner doesn’t want to attend.
  • Goals and activities that used to be very important to the adolescent have suddenly been pushed to the back burner.
  • The adolescent’s plans are always based on what her/his partner wants.
  • The adolescent is spending less and less time with her/his friends and family to be with her/his partner.
  • The adolescent’s partner needs to know where s/he is at every minute and overreacts to things such as the adolescent being late or turning off her/his cell phone.
  • The adolescent’s partner uses backhanded compliments ("You’re lucky I love you so much, because who else would put up with you?") or directly puts her/him down.

While the student may not be in a manipulative relationship, if you are noticing any of the above, it is a call to action to pay attention.

What can you do if you think the student is in a relationship that is unhealthy?

  • Let her/him know that you care and notice that s/he doesn’t seem to be like her/himself lately.
  • Let her/him know that you are available to listen if s/he wants to talk.
  • Share your concerns with his or her parents/guardians.
  • Avoid making it directly related to her/his partner, but let her/him know that people can have wonderful qualities and can also be controlling. Rarely will a person only have ‘bad’ qualities. This can make it very difficult to leave and can be very confusing. On one hand the adolescent doesn’t like it when the person is controlling and on the other hand they have a lot of fun together.
  • Remind her/him that s/he cannot change another person.
  • Not every controlling or manipulative person is dangerous, but some are. If you have reason to believe the student may be in danger with this person, enlist the immediate help of the parents and if necessary the police (restraining order) and mental health specialists.