• The 411 for online activities
• Relationships and the Internet
• • Unhealthy Relationships
  • Healthy relationships
  • Unhealthy Friendships and Internet Safety
  • Healthy Friendships and Internet Safety
  • Is a Student you Know in a Controlling Relationship?
• Child Development
• Tools for Teachers

Unhealthy Relationships and Internet Safety

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In an effort to reduce the risk of adolescents being sexually exploited online and offline, it is important to discuss with them the difference between healthy and unhealthy relationships. Discussions should start with what they think are important qualities of a healthy relationship: What it looks like, sounds like and feels like. Then discussions should shift towards what they think qualities of an unhealthy relationship are: what it looks like, sounds like, and feels like. Opportunities to practice identifying caring vs. controlling relationships will help. (A great way to do this is while watching movies, shows and advertisements in the media, ask adolescents questions about how relationships are depicted — whether they are healthy or unhealthy. Challenge media messages about relationships, and help them start to think critically about negative messages and stereotyping).

Signs of an unhealthy relationship:

• Extreme jealousy or possessiveness
• Short temper (explosive)
• Low tolerance for frustration
• History of fighting
• Disregarding others feelings
• Minimizing inappropriate behaviour
• Constant put downs, humiliation or insults
• Refusal to take responsibility for behaviour
• Using threats to get someone to do something
• Persistence — not taking “no” for an answer
• Isolating partner from friends and family

Signs an adolescent may be in a controlling relationship:

• Everyone who cares about the adolescent (i.e. family, friends, teachers, coaches, etc.) have expressed concern for her/him, or feel as though s/he is pushing them away.
• The adolescent won't participate in activities that don't involve her/his partner or that her/his partner would not enjoy.
• The adolescent obsesses or worries about doing activities that don't involve her/his partner.
• The adolescent’s partner texts her/him constantly to keep tabs on where s/he is.
• Goals and activities that used to be very important to the adolescent have suddenly been pushed to the back burner.
• The adolescent is being cut off from her/his friends and family because her/his partner seems to have a “problem” with each of them.
• The adolescent's partner uses backhanded compliments (for example "You’re lucky I love you so much, because who else would put up with you?") or directly puts her/him down.

What to do if you think an adolescent is in a controlling relationship:

1. Let the adolescent know that you are concerned with some behaviours you have witnessed in the relationship. Provide concrete examples of the changes you have noticed.
2. Listen without judgment and encourage the adolescent to talk and ask questions. Focus on behaviours that are a problem that contribute to the unhealthy relationship as opposed to “bad mouthing” her/his partner (which would likely make the adolescent defensive). Don't blame the adolescent for staying in an unhealthy relationship. People who are controlling and manipulative can appear to be quite intelligent, charismatic, charming, and confident people, so it can be quite easy to feel attracted to them and care for them even if they are being disrespectful. Ask the adolescent if s/he would be okay with someone else being treated the same way in a relationship as s/he is to help her/him see it more objectively.
3. Breaking up is hard to do. Make sure you are there for the adolescent, and provide the adolescent with support and also advice. Advise the adolescent to cut off all contact when s/he ends the relationship, meaning not responding to texts, emails, phone calls, etc. Support the adolescent in this effort as it can be very difficult. It is the best thing to do in unhealthy situations.
4. Make sure the adolescent has the proper support system in place — safe adults s/he can speak with openly, whether it be a parent, friend, teacher or even mental health professional. To help the adolescent learn to enter into healthy relationships and avoid another unhealthy relationship, it is important that s/he has someone s/he can talk to and explore these possible patterns.
5. If the adolescent's ex-partner is continuing to contact the adolescent whether by text, email, letters, phone, through friends or in-person, and you are concerned about her/his safety, enlist the help of police (restraining order) and mental health specialists. It is a good idea that the adolescent save all text messages, emails, phone messages etc. for evidence for police.